Excerpt from chapter:
"Minor Mechanical Problem"
The flight from Hartford to New York was delayed ten minutes, every twenty minutes, for the next ninety minutes. Time enough to re-double check the contents of my backpack and carry-on case filled with production items, including a theatrical wig, make-up, and costume —items not easily replaceable in eastern Europe if my checked baggage, a casket-sized trunk-on-wheels borrowed from my sister Eileen, was diverted to parts unknown.
My arrival gate at JFK was three terminals away from my departure gate, requiring a vigorous half-mile walk while lugging too much carry-on luggage and whining under my breath, “I’m getting too old for this!” I arrived exhausted and moist at the departure gate ten minutes before the scheduled boarding time.
“Ladies and gentlemen, this announcement is for passengers waiting to board Delta Flight 30, non-stop service to Moscow. Due to a minor mechanical problem with the aircraft that could interfere with a successful landing in Moscow, we will be switching equipment and moving to a new departure gate.”
What! What could that even mean? And who at Delta Airlines thought it was a good idea to inform the passengers how close they came to not successfully landing in Moscow? The opposite of a successful landing in Moscow is disappearing without a trace over the North Atlantic Ocean, or falling into the Eyjafjallajökull volcano in Iceland. Who knows, maybe Delta’s euphemistic “interfere with a successful landing” sounded better than the truth:
“Ladies and gentlemen, this announcement is for passengers waiting to board Delta Flight 30, non-stop service to Moscow. Funny story…we almost killed you. It turns out SST* driver, Bob, noticed one of the jet engines on your aircraft was a little looser than we like. He tried tightening the engine bolts with his hand, but a couple of those bolts were stripped. Normally we wouldn’t think twice about a minor maintenance problem like loose bolts, but on transatlantic flights we think it best to be a little extra careful. Here at Delta Airlines we believe our passengers deserve the very best service, including tight engine bolts, so we’ve sent Bob out to find what we hope will be a better plane. We know you have a choice in air travel, and we appreciate you flying with Delta Airlines. We love to fly, and it shows.”
Idiots.
Airline Speak Lexicon
*SST is airline speak for the shit-sucking truck. Other shorthand/nicknames airline employees have for passengers: Gate lice are passengers with low boarding priority who crowd the gate area before being called, inexperienced travelers are often referred to as kettle (as in Ma and Pa), self-loading freight is a derogatory term for all passengers, and Jim Wilson is airline code for human remains traveling in the cargo hold. American Airlines even has a dedicated reservations line called the Jim Wilson Desk, with agents specializing in “transporting departed loved ones to their final resting place.” I have been unable to confirm whether American Airlines has a Frequent Dead Flyer program.
Borrow download the Kindle edition for FREE:
http://amzn.to/16NR0n6
Borrow download the Kindle edition for FREE:
http://amzn.to/16NR0n6
